Reflection
On Paris.
On myself.
On life.
First off, I’ve never been much of a blogger. Yeah, I post on Facebook but it’s hardly ever “deep” or emotionally revealing. Today I decided that I will use this as an emotional outlet that I have lacked for so long. Be prepared for mushy, sad, super and genuinely cheesy stuff. My life is full of it. Second, I don’t quite know how skilled I am in the writing department…especially when it comes to dealing with my ideas, emotions, experiences, etc. So, I ask you to bear with me if I seem scattered or failing in the “brilliance” department.
We left Paris.
I don’t like that.
Not only because we are in Tours now, which lacks grandeur in comparison, but also because I found Paris to be eye opening to whom I am, who I want to be, and how to get there.
It’s no secret that the last two years have been rough for me and I found myself living in a whirlwind of emotions and actions that weren’t what they should’ve been. Hurt, sad, happy, more hurt, sadder, happy, school, work, school, work, what am I doing, oh right, school, work. It was mentally and physically exhausting to keep up with life and pretend to be enjoying it.
On the bus ride to Versailles, which irked me in general, who likes buses? I don’t. Anyway, on the ride I was blasting “Mumford and Sons,” who happen to be brilliant so I suggest you check them out, checking out the scenery and trying to ignore the overwhelming thoughts of uncomfortable. I was listening closely to the lyrics and I finally questioned what I was actually feeling. Something I hadn’t done in an unmentionable amount of time.
The truth is, I’m okay. I’m okay with my situation, my anxiety, my obsession with feeling okay, with getting better. I’m just fine. It’s hard to explain, but the movement and the beauty of Paris helped me realize that I am finally doing something for me. I’m not doing it for her, or him, or them, or anyone. I’m here because I…..want to be. It was almost like the city lights spoke saying “Hey, you’re alright, everything is finally good.”
I’m in a beautiful country with beautiful people (which is unknown, the French are actually very cool so far). I’m with a person that has become a best friend and learning so much about a place that seemed so foreign but now feels right. It’s amazing how something so simple can open up my mind to everything I’ve been missing.
A city.
A bus ride.
Music.
Cured.
Note to those who mean the world to me: Daddy, thank you and your wonderful wife, Megan for pushing me to come here, supporting me through it, never backing down, and always having faith in what I am. Next to Lisa, for helping me out when I needed it and always loving me, even when our lives were independently hectic. To Allison, for being a beautiful person that is always willing to listen to my voice. And to Zach, for showing me that life can get better in an instant.
I love you all.
“Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
At my heart you see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be.”
Mumford and Sons, Sigh No More.
